


A Thief By Any Other Name

by Riz



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:37:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riz/pseuds/Riz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Nori is very satisfied with the new turns his life has taken after reclaiming Erebor, not everyone is quite up to speed on the changes. If only he'd realised that a tad sooner this whole, awkward situation might have been avoided.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Thief By Any Other Name

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/651150) by [greenkangaroo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/pseuds/greenkangaroo). 



In hindsight Nori really should have seen it coming. It was a silly mistake, failing to pay attention to just one little detail, and with such spectacular results he would likely never hear the end of it.

He was shadowing his target through the lower markets of Erebor, looking for all the world like a casual family dwarf in search of groceries. The little, grey haired dwarf he was following was, according to his informants, a central piece in the plot to rob the royal treasuries that had been silently buzzing around the low streets and back alleys of Erebor.  
Nori didn’t care overly much about the treasuries, there was enough gold there for 50 dwarrows to take away all they could carry and no one would likely even notice. Still, he did have some measure of professional pride, even after switching occupation from thief to the secret spymaster for Thorin Oakenshield, king under the mountain. While he was generally more concerned with making sure the king and his two troublesome princelings stayed alive and unhurt, he was not about to let a bunch of ragtag thieves sneak in right under his nose. Especially when said thieves were so unskilled it had taken him less than a day from first hearing the rumours to being here, shadowing what was supposedly their second in command. Nori almost cringed with second hand shame at the horribly poor execution of his former trade.

He fell into familiar patterns, working his actions, movement and stature to look as innocent and non-threatening as possible as he wandered the marketplace, browsing the various stalls and always keeping an eye on his target. His focus was his first great mistake, as it took him far longer than it should have to notice the suspicious looks and displeased muttering passing between the merchants. It wasn’t before a number of them started walking out from behind their stalls and obscuring his view of the grey dwarf that he took notice. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” someone growled, and Nori realised too late that not only was he the one being addressed, he was also well on his way to getting cornered by a group of obviously displeased merchants.

Well shit. He didn’t know who any of the dwarves were, but he recognized the accent and at that moment finally remembered the reports from some weeks ago of the caravan from Ered Luin arriving with craftsmen, merchants, miners and other dwarrows moving in to fill the vast caverns of Erebor. Of course they would have settled in and picked up their work by now. 

He also remembered just why he had spent a number of years far away from that place before setting out with his brothers on the quest to reclaim Erebor. Even the best of thieves couldn’t avoid capture completely when working amongst a people with such appreciation for their valuables as dwarves. At one point life in the Blue Mountains had become to hectic, too much of a chance of getting recognized and chased down the street even when he hadn’t bloody taken anything, and he’d decided to give the place up in search for greener pastures. The last few decades he’d only popped by from time to time to visit his brothers, more often than not crawling over the walls and in through a dark window in the middle of the night rather than having to bother with disguises. His biggest weakness in the thieves trade had always been an inconvenient vanity in regards to his long, red hair after all. One of the luxuries of his new position was never having to resort to dyeing or re-styling it.

Of course, this also meant that while he couldn’t say he remembered any of the angry faces now crowding around him, they apparently remembered him well enough. He growled in frustration as his target disappeared around a corner, now blocked from him by a wall of dwarves, some of which were cracking their knuckles in a rather unpromising fashion. Nori instinctively spun around, mentally mapping out the best possible escape routes if this turned ugly. This, he realised a moment too late, was his second big mistake, making him look all the more guilty. He just barely managed to keep some of his more colourful curses to himself, figuring they would do nothing to help the situation.  
“Well look what the dragon dragged in,” grumbled a heavyset dwarf at the front of the group , not quite hiding a disconcerting grin behind his thick, black beard, “almost though we were well rid of you, thief. Should have known the treasures of Erebor would be too much of a temptation for scum like you. But we’re not having it, no sir! Erebor will be no haven for criminals, so why don’t you scurry off back into whatever dirty cave you came from, huh?”

Nori refrained from pointing out that he’d be more than happy to “scurry off” right now because really, that didn’t seem like a realistic option. The one who’d spoken it certainly didn’t show any signs of moving out of the way to let Nori get anywhere at all. 

At least they were talking. Good. Talking was good. Talking meant he might be able to get out of this mess without running from an angry mob across the rooftops of Erebor, which in turn meant he might just be able to catch up to his target and get the info he needed before the rat slipped back into some hole. Now if he could just concentrate on channelling some of Balin’s brilliant diplomatic talent this might become less of a mess than he’d initially feared. 

“Easy now, I’ve not taken a thing that doesn’t belong to me.” he said calmly, holding up two empty hands in a show of goodwill. He’d be able to reach at least 17 different hidden blades in a matter of seconds of course, should it become necessary, but the angry dwarves in front of him didn’t need to know that. He tilted his head slightly, attempting to put on his most open and innocent smile, the same one Ori had always used to get away when Dori found his jar of newly baked cookies emptier than he’d left it. 

Third mistake. He’d never been very good at that smile. It looked more like a fox that had found a secret path into the hen yard, he’d been told. In any case it definitely did not have the desired effect here, he noticed, as the dwarves around him somehow looked even grumpier.  
“Really now?” the black-bearded dwarf asked, looking unimpressed. “I’m not sure we believe you, do we boys?” The rest of the group murmured in suspicious agreement.  
“You see,” the dwarf continued, “the last time I saw that pretty hair you were making off with a selection of my very expensive rings, and I know my mates here have similar memories.” 

An unfortunate amount of the others were nodding vigorously now. At least Nori finally remembered who he was dealing with. He might not recognize the face, but no thief with a proper sense for value would forget the contents of the shop of one of Ered Luins most distinguished jewellers. The incident he referred to was the last time he’d had anything to do with said shop, and his hopes for a peaceful resolution to his current predicament were quickly waning.

It had been one of his more spectacular mess-ups. He’d gotten away with a more than decent catch, but only after an exhausting chase across half of Ered Luin, an arrow-wound to his shoulder (he still had the scar) and a full week of hiding in abandoned mining tunnels before he’d dared creep back to Dori’s house to have it looked at properly. He’d left the Blue Mountains soon after. 

“Right,” he said, trying to stall for time as he fervently looked for openings in the crowd that would let him get to his chosen escape route. “There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding happening here. If you…” 

Oh…well that was no good at all, was it.

“If you would just put down those cudgels I’m sure we can figure this out, yeah?” he finished, fingers twitching with desire to reach his knives and arm himself against what was quickly turning into a very real threat. Really, they would be next to useless in a crowd this large, seeing as he wasn’t actually supposed to hurt anyone. A long club to scare them and keep them at a distance would be better, but Nori seldom carried such slow weapons. Fighting wasn’t really an option then. If he could only reach those barrels he might just be able to make a jump for it and get up on the rooftops, where he would always have the advantage. There was just the matter of the rather large dwarf standing directly in his path, sporting a truly vindictive smirk.  
“Oh, I really don’t think we can.” he said as he took a deliberate step forward.

The larger dwarf closed in on Nori, who was just thinking it was really past time to be gone from this place. He reached for one of his knives, thinking to use it to create a distraction to get past the jeweller and onto the barrels and then the roof. But before he got more than a few steps a cry sounded.

“Guards! Guards! Over here, quickly!”  
The shouting was repeated fast and loud throughout the crowd, who suddenly seemed a bit less eager to handle Nori themselves now that he was armed and looking very much like he knew how to use his weapons. Nori just groaned, reminding himself he was dealing with merchants, not criminals or warriors, and stuffed his knife back into its hiding place in his leather bracer. He could probably still get away, but he’d be damned if he was going to lead guardsmen on a merry chase through Erebor for no damn reason at all. They would never let him live that down. They still might not, unless he somehow managed to convince the approaching guards to keep their traps shut about all of this. He was already busy calculating how much of his gold he’d have to give up in bribes when a loud voice broke through the clamour.  
“What in Mahal’s name is going on here?”

Oh come on, surely fate wouldn’t be so cruel? Of all the guards in Erebor did it really have to be this one? Nori was quickly coming to regret ever leaving his bed that morning as he spotted the tattooed head of the dwarf he shared said bed with. Taller than every dwarf there and clad in full armour Dwalin cut an imposing figure as he made his way through the throng followed by two other guards, all looking very serious. The head of The Erebor Royal Guard had no patrol duties, but that didn’t mean he did not still remember how to deal with trouble should it present itself. He looked more than ready to smash some heads with those knuckle-dusters (he’d been complaining about the lack of action in his new position) when he spotted Nori, and his determined look faded into confusion. Nori just scowled, wondering what he’d done to deserve such rotten luck. 

“We caught this rascal sneaking about the market,” the jeweller explained, a hint of pride in his voice as if it had been his own personal achievement to corner Nori, “he’s a rogue and a thief!”  
By now Dwalin war relaxing and looking rather amused, his hand resting loosely on the axe in his belt rather than gripping the handle tight as he had been. Not quite the reaction their chattering spectators had expected.  
“Aye, I know who he is,” he exclaimed loudly, making the crowd go quite in anticipation, and then turned to Nori.  
“Well then, what do you have to say for yourself?”  
Nori just stared at him incredulously, catching the twinkle in his lover’s eyes. Oh, he was enjoying this, was he? Well, two could play that game.

“Why officer, I have no idea what they’re talking about!” he replied innocently, looking up at Dwalin with a sweet smile. “Here I am making my way through the streets of our lovely city, minding my own business when suddenly I’m beset by this angry mob for no apparent reason. It is beyond shocking I must say, as I am completely innocent!” He did his best impression of the dainty nobles he’d been spending far too much time around lately, finishing with a dramatic flick of his writs that seemed to have Dwalin struggling to keep from laughing out loud. Angry shouts of disagreement erupted from the crowd, but Dwalin silenced them with a raised hand. 

“Hah!”, the large Dwarf guffawed, looking around in a silent challenge to anyone who would dare interrupt his conversation again, before turning back to Nori.  
“You’ve never been innocent for a day in your life.”  
Nori smirked.  
“Be that as it may, I’ve not stolen a thing today. I had rather more important things on my mind.”  
Dwalin’s eyes narrowed slightly as he understood just what that meant, but Nori wasn’t quite done yet.  
“However I understand, officer, you have to do your job. You’re welcome to search me if you’d like?” He slowly made his way over to Dwalin as he spoke, running a hand through his hair and subtly licking his lower lip for good measure. He only stopped when he was so close he could almost feel the other dwarf’s breath on his own forehead. Grabbing the front of Dwalins tabard he pulled him down slightly, looked up coyly and mock-whispered loud enough for the entire crowd to hear in his best seductive voice.  
“Or maybe you’d rather wait with that until we get back home? Anywhere is good with me.” 

Nori allowed himself a satisfied snicker as the honourable head of the Royal Guard turned a fetching shade of red. No doubt he’d be in trouble later for such actions in public and while Dwalin worked, but that could be dealt with in all manner of ways. And really, what had the dwarf expected, playing games like that.  
The crowd had become a sea of utterly confused faces, and the two guardsmen accompanying Dwalin, both high-ranking dwarves whom Nori had met on several occasions, were reduced to quiet giggles.

“Lord Nori!”  
The voice of a young dwarrowdam carried through the crowded street, reaching Nori only moments before the girl herself came pushing through, “Lord Nori! There you are!”  
She was a short little lass, with beautiful dark curls and large, brown eyes, and she looked decidedly out of place in her dark leather uniform, sporting an array of different weapons and an emblem on her chest marking her an agent of the crown. Anyone thinking her unfit for her attire would do well to reconsider though. Nori had had the privilege of seeing first hand the result of anyone underestimating one of his best agents, and it was far from pretty. To her credit she assessed the somewhat bizarre situation quite calmly, awaiting an answer from her commander with a questioning look.

Nori took a step back from Dwalin and turned to her, suddenly all business.  
“Ah, Fridun, any news of the search?”  
“We’ve found the base sir. In the back end of the miners camp.”  
“Have you now?” Nori grinned, drumming his fingers against each other in delight.  
“It would seem the day won’t be a complete waste after all. Now if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, there seems there is work to be done. Officer.” he turned back to Dwalin, tipping his head, “Unless you were thinking of arresting me?”  
Dwalin just humpf’ed and rolled his eyes fondly.  
“Just get lost you scoundrel.”  
“With pleasure darling.” 

Fridun had already turned to go, and Nori followed her. The jeweller seemed to have half a mind to step into his way again but apparently thought better of it after seeing Dwalin’s eyes narrowing and his large fists clenching. The rest of the crowd looked so utterly dumbfounded, Nori just couldn’t help himself.  
“Probably won’t make it to the dinner tonight,” he called back over his shoulders, “relay my apologies to Thorin and the boys, would you?” and then he turned a corner and was gone.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dwalin surveyed the chattering crowd with a sigh. At one time, he swore, he had been a professional, respectable guardsman. A time before a certain red-headed bad influence entered his life. He turned a sharp look on his companions, who immediately stood up straight and ceased their disgraceful giggling but didn’t look at all repentant. The crowd of dwarves surrounding them were no better, all caught up in fervent chatter and discussion.

“Thorin? As in the king?”  
“Surely not?”  
“Not a chance!”  
“But if that was Nori?”  
“Yes, Lord Nori! Hero of Erebor!”  
“No way. He’s a thief, we all know it’s true.”  
“Exactly, I’d never forget that hair, not in a lifetime.”  
“But if we were wrong?”  
“I’m not wrong!”  
“You’re always wrong.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“If I say he’s a thief, then a thief he is.”  
“How do you explain a thief just about draped over the head of the Royal Guard then, genius?”

At which point they all turned towards Dwalin expectantly, and he most definitely had no intentions whatsoever of having to explain himself to this ragtag bunch.  
“Was anyone wanting to report an actual crime?” he grumbled darkly, flexing his muscles to look as menacing as possible, “or are you going to continue wasting the guards time?”  
That shut them up well and proper. 

Dwalin pinched the bridge of his nose and, figuring there was little chance of any kind of violence braking out in the immediate future, signed for his guards to follow as he turned around and left the markets. Nori, the sly fox, might have been able to turn an utterly embarrassing situation around and leave Dwalin to deal with it, but at least he was off working and in a few short hours Dwalin would be on his way to dinner with Thorin, the princes and various other members of their company. As he walked along he pondered how best to tell the story of how Nori, professional thief and spymaster extraordinaire, had been cornered and caught by simple merchants. Oh no, he had no plans to let his troublesome lover forget this any time soon.

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it! Though I’m a lifelong fan of Tolkien I only got heavily into the Hobbit fandom I few months ago. The fandom is so full of wonderfully creative and skilful people, I just couldn’t help giving it a go myself. Comments and feedback would be very much appreciated as this is my first time writing fanfic, and if someone would like to beta future works I might just sell you my soul, as English is not my first language. If you spot any obvious mistakes please let me know. Oh, and if you just want to chat about hobbit-y things (or anything at all really) you can find me on tumbler as ADwarfAndHisHat (http://adwarfandhishat.tumblr.com)
> 
> This work was originally inspired by one of the shorts in GreenKangaroo’s amazing collection; Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap), a truly brilliant work of fiction that I suggest you go read this very instant if you haven’t already. 
> 
> Some notes on the setting:
> 
> This was only ever supposed to be a short, fun piece, so there might be some issues with research or continuity, I’m sorry. This is simply an exploration of a possible scenario in an “everyobody lives past the BofA” setting. 
> 
> The fact that Nori is Thorins spymaster is of course a secret. However the story of the quest is well known, and as a member of the company and one of the wealthiest dwarves in Erebor Nori can’t exactly keep a low profile. To the public he is something of a hero, and a lord with a number of investments and interests across Erebor. He has no love for “noble” life, but he does enjoy the wealth and respect, and though he often grumbles about not being able to do very much of the dirty work himself (he’s yet to find anyone quite as good at it as he is, not to mention he gets oh so bored) it is a very good position from which to run his extensive network.


End file.
